Starting something new never stops being hard

But noticing what’s happening helps

Here's what I've been noticing since starting my Creative Writing course - the first study I've done in a while. Doing something new is challenging! I am squirming at not being the best (nowhere near, sadly), the inner child and inner teen have both been out in force: Disparaging the course content, the size of the class, wanting to run away, kicking off about entirely unrelated things, finding new and inventive ways to avoid the task at hand. It's all been happening.

That initial feeling of floundering like a fish out of water never gets any more fun.

Photo by Scott Welzbacher on Unsplash

The discomfort zone

I think a long period of putting myself in the discomfort zone in a way that didn't ever really sit right (performing like someone I’m not on social media) set me back a lot and has taken a while to bounce back from. It affected my ability to trust myself.

Plus, I am already in the zone with moving to a new area, having had surgery, it's a lot of change to deal with at once for someone who is especially challenged by change, so my capacity is reduced. Extra kindness to myself has been required to be able to hold the challenge. Lightness, play, laughing at myself and holding myself. And obviously, spilling my guts on the page too.

Someone show me the way

Something else I've noticed recently is how desperately I've wanted something outside of myself to be showing me the way, knowing the answers, shining a light. Human, perhaps to desire this, but ultimately, an outsourcing of responsibility, and of credit when things go well!

We all have to make our own way in the world by building faith in ourselves, paying attention to what peaks interest, following that sense, noticing when something which once felt right no longer does and making changes. As we do, self belief and trust gently expands over time.

Too many choices

If you’re going through or looking into the face of an imminent transition you might recognise this desire to outsource for answers. Do you? I’m reminded of a subscriber who emailed me describing her youngest child having just started school and being faced with having “no excuse” left for not finding work outside the home. Years spent at home caring (thankless task that society says it values but we all know how empty the platitudes are) and the idea of having to now be something else feels massive. It can feel like total discomfort zone territory to even consider the numerous options.

Daydream the life you want to have

If you’re trying to work up to a big change, you might have read or been told that the first step is allowing yourself to dream of an alternative future to the life you're living now, one in which you can live entirely the way you want. Then getting down and dirty with all the fears in your way, before taking action to move forward in the direction you want to go.

It's a great strategy. But sometimes, this can feel way too big. In a world of infinite possibility, how can you possibly base such an important decision on a daydream? It's too late to take a stab in the dark, surely?! You’re an adult with adult responsibilities and bills to pay!

Start even smaller

This is why starting small is a step not to miss, following joy in teeny tiny doses. What really lights you up outside of the day-to-day humdrum of responsibility? What have you always wanted to do, but never actually gotten around to trying? What small step could you take towards it? That could look like joining a running club, or a singing group, or even smaller, dancing more at home, listening to music or anything else you love but don’t allow yourself to do. Whatever it is, it's a change that's bringing lightness into your psyche, the effects of which can't be underestimated.

This week, following my inner whisper meant attending a poetry workshop. I was excited and terrified and it was BRILLIANT. I've never tried to write poetry before, but really enjoyed it. You can read a poem I wrote here and read about the workshop I went to here.

Whatever you've been up to, I hope you've been making space for the stuff that sends you a little round the bend with excitement too. If you haven’t, what small thing could you allow yourself to explore this week?

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