Thoughts on praise & diverting a need for external validation

How do you respond to praise? How does it make you feel? Which feels easier to take: praise or criticism?

Photo by James Barr on Unsplash

It struck me recently that I'm integrating for the first time the true importance of practising being unattached to praise as much as to criticism. They're both judgment after all. In practise, this looked like getting some feedback on something I'd written for my writing class, saying "thank you" and what went on internally was:

I recieve the comments neutrally and am neither internally jumping up and down like a school child given a golden star sticker or one hang-headedly feeling shame about another "could do better" in the end of year school report. Merely taking from the feedback what worked and what didn't and adding that to my bank of knowledge for my next attempt, of which I know there will be many, many, many more.

A focus on detaching from criticism, but what about praise?

In self development spaces, there is a lot of focus on being unattached to negative judgment. We’re encouraged not to care about what other people think, especially those who aren't out there taking risks themselves. I’m thinking of Brene Brown quoting Roosevelt’s Man in The Arena speech and countless others encouraging us to reach for the stars and giving useful strategies and inspiration for untethering ourselves from people pleasing and comparison. In stark contrast, there is very little said on our attachment to positive judgment aka praise, validation, ego boosts.

Judgment is rife in life and particularly on social media where it's quite literally built in and what it thrives on; pile ons, cancelling and call outs, yes. And also the back slapping, hi fives, "love this" often so transparently rooted in business/personal brand development (fine) or engagement for the sake of the goddamn algorithms (mildly depressing - could definitely go off on one here, but will restrain myself and keep to the point).

Stepping away from praise

When it comes to time consuming creative work of any kind, it's helpful to be sure you can step away from this stuff if you want to be able to develop work or a practise unattached to how other people think you're doing - even if what other people think is that you are a wonderful, amazing, courageous, incredible, talented, awesome person.

Because even if they do genuinely think those things of you, that's not what's going to keep you chugging away at the gigantic 500 page tome you dream of writing, the community service you dream of building, the massive canvasses you dream of painting, the photographic story of a shifting culture over a decade or any other meaningful work you want to put into the world in whatever form. Is it?

Commercial success versus personal fulfilment

I went to see Moonage Daydream recently - a film constructed entirely Bowie narrating his own creative process and spiritual evolution, as well as a vast array of his art across various mediums - and was struck by the part covering his most commercially successful period. He said this time was the most devoid of personal fulfilment or satisfaction. Prior to this period, he’d always done exactly what he wanted, creatively exploring what interested him, with no thought of what his audience wanted or needed (and been fortunate enough to find that people liked it, a happy coincidence, but not the driver).

Defining markers for success

I’ve worked with many clients who have been aiming for arbitrary markers of success which didn’t belong to them, often financial. Who can blame them in a capitalist society? I’ve definitely fallen into that trap. But it’s a one way ticket to dissatisfaction. Defining what really matters to us, returning often to interrogate it and ensuring our actions are aligned is a vital practise for anyone who wants to find real meaning in their life. This doesn’t mean financial goals are completely incongruent with success, of course. It simply means, for many people, money isn’t a driver, though it can be a happy byproduct of meeting their goals.

For a fulfilling career which has longevity, we have to find a sense of purpose aside from what anyone else thinks, no matter what they think; an internal drive that's equally impenetrable to both criticism and praise. It will waver, it will shake, with natural moments of doubt and questioning, but it's far easier to work through these fears when they're not attached to a need for validation from anyone else, but oneself.

So tell me, what gives you a sense of purpose? What is driving you to keep at it? Whatever "it" is for you.

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